Sunday, September 24, 2023 I decided to fast on Yom Kippur and spend the day reading. I wanted to see what fasting would do to my gut— whether it might bring some internal reset, a cleansing, a sharpening of the senses.

Four days before October 7 I dreamt I was being chased across a farmer’s field. I stumbled over the ridges of parallel furrows, aware of others around me being pursued. As we ran, the ground opened beneath us, and we fell through the surface into an empty dance club. Leaping over abandoned bars and chairs, we descended deeper and deeper. When I felt those chasing me were far behind, I slowed my pace and awoke sometime after 6 a.m.

Two days before October 7 Again, I dreamt I was walking across a farmer’s field and came to the edge of a hill. Four militiamen in green were there carrying guns. Three sat in silence near a white pickup truck. I spoke to the fourth, who stood staring past me into the distance. His eyes were fixed on the horizon behind my shoulder. He ignored me, and he licked his teeth. Unable to communicate with them, I walked on, disturbed by their indifference. I woke sometime after 6 a.m.

Saturday, October 7 Sirens rattle me awake. I watch the news. I call my friend on Kibbutz Re’im. He answers, but at first, he doesn’t know who I am. He was expecting someone else to be on the line. He tells me his son has been taken.

How does one atone for seeing without warning?